Fears and Expectations

I'm a control freak. This is not anything new, but I have come to a new understanding about how my desire to control everything around me has formed and how it affects everything and everyone around me. Part of my control problem is exhibited by perfectionism. By perfectionism I don't mean the stereotypical "my house is perfect because I'm a perfectionist". My home is a mess physically. If I feel that I can't make something perfect, I don't do it at all.

This is shown by my housekeeping. When I get started cleaning something, I get down to the nitty gritty and scrub things down to the point where there's not a speck of dirt. If I clean one window, I have to clean them all. If I start sweeping, then I need to vacuum. If I vacuum one room I have to vacuum the whole apartment. If I clean the toilet I have to scrub the sinks, counters, shower, and tub to gleaming, then mop the floor. If I make the bed it has to be perfect, the sheets tucked in exactly. If I do laundry, every item of clothes must be hung the correct direction on the hanger or folded correctly, towels must be folded all the exact same way, and if it's not I feel like I'm going CRAZY.

This is why if you enter into my apartment, you see stuff laying around, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in over a month, the clothes get washed then piled in a chair for days, and the bed is rarely made. I don't have the energy to put into cleaning the way I NEED to do it, therefore it doesn't get done. So I sit on the couch and watch TV. Or go shopping. Anything but clean.

I realize that my home doesn't have to be perfect, I can do laundry every couple of days (clothes don't have to be hung perfectly on the hangers), if I pick up as I go along there won't be that much stuff laying around, etc. But it's so hard to let my anal retentive tendencies go. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that I'm afraid of this neurotic behavior being expressed towards my baby.

Children are messy. Children are disordered (in the context of organization). I know there's a balance that must be kept, I want my kid to put away his toys when he's done playing with them, I want him to learn to make his own bed and learn to be responsible for his belongings. I expect him to learn these things as he grows up so that he can become a responsible adult 20 years or so down the road. But I don't want him to freak out that his crayons aren't in a rainbow order in the box, or that his toys aren't lined up on the shelf exactly, or that he didn't separate his foods on his plate and eat each food separately in a specific order (yes, I do that). If there's anything I wish for this child it's that he's not as neurotic as I am.

The funny thing is, I wasn't raised to be like this. My mom didn't make me keep my bedroom perfect as a child, she'd mostly make sure that I cleaned up when guests stayed over. Otherwise I just had to make sure that there was a walkable path through my room and that my stuff didn't spill out into the rest of the house. Of course once every other month or so she'd nag me to clean my room. I had chores to do and did them, and so learned to be responsible.

So why do I do it? Perhaps it is a defense mechanism. I got teased and bullied a lot as a kid (I was the nerdy poor kid who always wore hand-me-downs and even though those facts didn't bother me, it did get a lot of unwanted attention), and perhaps I felt I had to control every aspect of my life that I could since so much of it seemed so far out of control.

I know that having a baby is going to throw a lot of my ability to control out the window. Infants (especially newborns) have their own schedule, and their needs are completely dependent on their parents. A bit more so for mothers, I think, since we are their nutrition source. Perhaps I'm writing this now because the reality that I'm going to be having a baby is really starting to sink in, and I'm starting to become afraid. With all of the advice I've been getting and the books I've been reading I feel like I'm supposed to know what to expect but I know I have no CLUE what to expect and all the advice in the world isn't going to really prepare me for what's coming.

I already love George and am excited that I can feel him moving around. I am looking forward to seeing him for the first time and holding him in my arms, but I'm scared I'll do something wrong. I wouldn't change this time in my life or wish that I hadn't conceived this new life for the world but that doesn't mean I'm not scared. I know billions of women throughout history have gone through the same experience of fears and doubts mixed with loving expectation but it doesn't make it any easier for me.

All I can do is pray.

Lord Jesus, I lovingly pray for this sweet hope
that I keep within my womb.
You have granted me the immense gift
of a tiny little life,
living in my own life,
and I humbly thank you for choosing me
as an instrument of your love.
In this sweet waiting,
help me to live in a constant attitude
of self-surrender to your will.

Grant me a motherly heart that is pure,
steadfast and generous.
I hand over to you my own concerns;
any anxious fears that may come,
my own wishes for the little person
that I still have no knowledge of.
Grant that it may be born healthy in body,
keep far from it every peril to its soul.

Mary, you have known
the ineffable joy of a holy motherhood;
give me a heart that can transmit an ardent, living faith.
Sanctify my waiting,
bless this joyful hope that is in me,
grant that the fruit of my womb
may open out in virtue
and in holiness through your working
with that of your divine Son.

Amen.

Winnie the Pooh

So today I got down and dirty with the acrylic paint. Since we're kind of doing a Pooh theme with the nursery, I figured I'd paint a mural on the short wall. Sean's mother gave us a quilted kite that had been in Sean's room when he was little, and I had the idea of Pooh holding on to the kite flying through the air. Took me a little bit of searching but I finally found a decent image to work with and sketched it on the wall.This last image is just to give you an idea of the proportions. Yes, it's still a mess up here in the loft but we're slowly getting things organized.

Baby Belly

Since I'm still too lazy to remember to bring the sonogram pics upstairs to scan in (and I've been quite busy today finishing up the first draft of the church newsletter), I thought I'd post a baby belly picture and you can guess how big he is in there right now. The only reason you're getting a picture from me now is because my laptop has a built in camera.

Last night at Sean's company soccer game, George figured out how to turn somersaults by launching himself off of my bladder. And since then he's been practicing.

Some more good news is that I finally finished the crib! A bit of background, my father had built a solid-sided crib from white pine for my sister, and when I came along it was my baby bed as well. Now over 30 years later (for the crib, not me...my sister is several years older than me :D) I gained possession of it from my mother's storage closet and began the task of refinishing it. My father was talented when it came to building things, but he wasn't very smart. When he coated the wood in verathane (sp?) he did so after attaching the brass fittings to the corners. So when I took paint stripper to it 30 years later I had to chip my way through 3 layers of ancient finish to unscrew the fittings.

Anyway, I stripped the old verathane off and sanded down the entire piece. Unfortunately the inside was not in very good condition and was quite difficult to sand. So I rubbed in a protective light stain finish on the outside and painted the inside white, then attached brand new brass fittings. The wood now has a honey glow (as opposed to the sickly orange hue from the verathane) and a crisp interior. I then found at JoAnn's a lovely Winnie the Pooh print (with a green background) and used a ton of batting to cover the head and foot panels. The only part that is not finished is the mattress. I purchased and sized the extra-firm foam but can't sew together the vinyl cover I plan to make until Sean gets my sewing machine down from the closet. But even missing that, the crib looks great!

Since we plan on using a bassinet for the first couple of months, the crib won't get used for a while (the nursery is upstairs above our bedroom and I'm not planning on running up there in the middle of the night for the next few months following the birth), but I'm glad I got it finished. It will be like one more step closer to being...you know...parents. :D

A Sleepless Night

So as I write this, it is 2:30am or somewhere thereabouts...or maybe it's 3am. I guess it's closer to 3. 2:30 is when the loudest and most irritating sound I've ever heard began. The fire alarm.

One of the conveniences of living in an apartment building of fairly new construction is the building-wide fire alarm system. There is a nifty little speaker in each bedroom of each unit in the building that emits a high-pitched squealing repetitive beep when the alarm is pulled. Throughout the building. Lovely. At least I know I'll wake up if there's a fire.

So it apparently started with our next door neighbors. They had been having a party all afternoon and evening (I could barely tell and only because I could hear a little bass) and one of them told me they had been "smoking" a lot. So I had walked to the front door when I heard the scampering of many feet down the outdoor staircase (we live on the 2nd floor). This was slightly alarming and Sean and I threw on bathrobes and went outside. Unfortunately we had to leave the agoraphobic cat in the apartment, she freaks out too much and doesn't have bladder control when she's scared. Stupid cat.

So we met our downstairs neighbor for the first time when we arrived outside. The fire department had been called and were on their way, and there was the strangest scent that reminded both Sean and I of a burning circuit board. The kind of sulfury smell that occurs when one fries a motherboard or graphics card. Soon a second fire engine pulls up, this one with a ladder. We speculated that perhaps the firemen wanted to check and see if there were any pot-smoking squirrels on the roof. Before we went back inside, our downstairs neighbor described the mass exodus of the party-goers next door running down the stairs as "cockroaches fleeing from a burning building". The residents of the next-door apartment spent the minutes before the fire truck arrived opening the windows and airing it out.

What a night. Being 6 months preggers, I am used to getting up in the middle of the night. Even so, this is a bit much! It did, however, remind me of my dorm days where if the fire alarm didn't go off every week or two I'd begin to worry. Ahh, the good old days, how I don't miss them.

So here I am, sitting at my computer because neither of us can get back to sleep, drinking a 7-up to settle my tummy, and posting to my blog because I have nothing better to do. Oy. At least it's a weekend....

It's A......

BOY! We had our 20 week checkup on Monday and had a sonogram performed (pictures will be forthcoming when I decide to get off of my lazy bum and scan them in). Because someone doesn't like surprises, we decided to find out the sex and were pleasantly surprised to be blessed with a boy. Sean's mother suggested we name him Justin...as in Justin Other Sparkman. Not only did we shoot that idea down, we buried it 12 ft under. Covered in duct tape. Never to be seen in the light of day again.

George Preston Alexander is his name, and yes there are two middle names. Most people I talk to think that the middle names are fine but wonder where on earth we picked "George" from. George is named so in honor of my late grandfather, George Ambrose, affectionately known to my sister and myself as "Opa". Opa died of a heart attack when I was six. Some of my favorite memories of him include sitting on the edge of my grandparents' waterbed and watching Road Runner cartoons on the old black and white television with him, and sneaking up behind him in his chair at bedtime to give him a kiss goodnight on his bald spot.

I know Opa loved us grandkids very much, and perhaps my best memory of him was shortly after his death that December. On Christmas morning I opened the gift he had purchased before his death...a small pink children's Bible. I still have that Bible, although now it's wrapped in a large rubber band to keep the pages from falling out. I would like to think that Opa would be honored to know that his first great-grandson will be named after him. I may not be biologically related to him (my mother was his step-daughter until he adopted her), but he will always be my Opa and I can think of no better way to honor him than to name my son after the most important man in my young life. May you rest in peace, Opa.

So blasted hot

As I type this, I'm staring out the window at the pool below, wondering if it's worth it to stuff my growing belly in a bathing suit and go take a dip. I just got back from Wally World with a couple of weeks worth of groceries, half of which are juices and bottled flavored water. It is 92 F in the shade of my porch which means it's a few degrees warmer in the sun. I just hauled up 6 heavy loads of groceries from my car up the stairs and into the apartment, then shoved the frozen stuff in the freezer before it could melt any more than it already was. My next action was to strip my sweaty clothes off and stand in the kitchen with my head over the sink and spray myself with the vegetable sprayer to cool off. So now I'm trying to figure out how I could devise a pulley elevator system to haul groceries up and down the stairs so I wouldn't have to make 6 trips....

Don't forget I had to get all the groceries inside, couldn't leave anything out in the car for Sean to bring in tonight. Leaving a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper inside the back of my hot dark blue SUV isn't a good idea. I know very well what a Texas oven...er, I mean the sun...can do to an unopened can of soda in a hot car. It's feasible to leave them in the car in the winter or when it's raining, it doesn't get quite as hot then.

So I'm going to go now and sit in front of the AC in the living room for an hour...

Jack in the Crack does it again...

Have you seen those Jack in the Box commercials lately, the ones about their new "Sirloin Burger"? And the next question, am I the only Texan offended by it?

If you haven't seen the commercials, the JitB crew (including Jack himself) are having a laugh at their competitor's expense over the fact that most fast food restaurants use "Angus" beef in their hamburgers while JitB uses the "Sirloin" cut of beef.

Now, anyone familiar with the bovine species knows that the sirloin is a specific cut of meat near the hindquarters and is a preferred cut for steak. Those familiar with the bovine species will also know that Angus is a TYPE OF BOVINE! One can get a sirloin cut from an Angus cow or bull. Angus cattle are the best kind of cattle to get meat from but not milk. In fact, I would not be surprised if JitB got their sirloin cut from Angus cattle.

I just detest those commercials, they sound so ignorant.

HEARTBEAT!

Oh yeah, by the way, we did hear the heartbeat last Monday. It was 170 beats per minute and came in loud and clear from the doppler thingy. While that may seem fast, remember that this is early in the pregnancy and that tiny little heart is still developing. Dr. said it was normal to be that fast right now, even if it's a bit on the high side. The speed of the heartbeat, he said, might indicate that we should be expecting a girl, although that is NOT a definite. We still need to wait until the ultrasound indicates how many legs the baby's got (if you catch my drift).

And I must repeat, if this baby is a girl, and you give me anything pink, I will know where you live. You can't hide, and I stock an arsenal of water balloons. I detest pink, and I detest the happy/fluffy sentiment that has developed in the past 50 years concerning gender based coloring. I long for the days when women wore blue (a serene and calming color) and REAL men wore red (the color of blood and war).

Many Things

So, I have been following a shocking situation brought up by Stand Firm, and feel the need to mention some thoughts on the subject. First of all, I am keeping the Kennedy's in my prayers, as well as Ms. Kaeton.

So now I thought I'd touch on a cooler part of Ms. Kaeton's post, that of NFP (Natural Family Planning). To me it seems as though NFP is seen by most people as a form of contraception without drugs or barrier methods. I do not see NFP as that at all. NFP is a tool that EVERY woman of childbearing age can use to further her understanding of her own body. NFP is useful for sufferers of PMS, knowing exactly what one's body is doing can better help one prepare for the inevitable wave of moodiness that comes with the cycle. Women who use NFP can plan activities around when they KNOW they'll be a bit testy.

Besides the obvious moral concerns I have with medical contraceptives, I am concerned with the havoc wreaked on a woman's body by unnecessary hormone therapy. Women's bodies are designed to function a certain way with specific hormones in a specific order. Flooding the body with extra hormones for the "convenience" of no children just does not seem like a smart idea. I noticed that my general health improved once I stopped taking "the Pill". I had fewer migraines, my skin cleared up, and I did not feel so tired all the time.

I have had several people tell me that "that NFP thing didn't work for you, you're pregnant." To which I feel I must respond "When did I say I didn't WANT this baby?" Thanks to my knowing exactly what part of the cycle my body is in at any given time, I know the day conception occured. I know exactly how long I've been pregnant. While there are not many things I have a chance to control in life at least I can be comfortable in knowing what's going on. I may not be able to control what is going on, but at least I don't feel like I was blindsided by my pregnancy.

NFP is not for the lazy. Part of knowing exactly what one's body is going through at a given moment is the willingness to learn and understand the how and why and to commit to it. NFP is also not just for women. A woman's husband should also be involved in the process, if for no other reason than he can look at her chart and understand why he isn't getting any for a week. I do use the term "husband" here because I am a firm believer that all are called to chastity even if some do not heed that call. But that's for another post.

The last part about NFP I feel must be made known is that the "P" stands for Planning. Planning does not necessarily mean "no children". Planning means just that...planning. NFP gives women a perfect tool for spacing children out, waiting until their financial situation or even the marriage itself is slightly better prepared for children, or even for trying to have as large a family as possible (and if a couple is able to provide for such a large family, all the more power to them!). Too often what I hear from pro-choice advocates is that women have a choice...until they CHOOSE to have children.

Well guess what? I CHOOSE to have children. So there. :P

More Baby Stuff

Well, our next appointment is tomorrow (we'll get to hear the heartbeat for the first time!). I'm not one to actively ask for gifts, and this is not a plea for baby stuff. However, we felt that some of our family members and friends with internet access might like to know where we are registered so I am posting this for that reason. We are registered at both Babies 'R' Us and Target. Both registries can be found by either of our names (and even my maiden name for the Babies 'R' Us registry), the state is TX. Please be aware that there are different items on each registry as each store stocks a variety of baby stuffs. Again, this is not a call begging for stuff, just information I feel needs to be given for those who seek it.

BABY!!!!!!!

As for a pregnancy update, I am barely starting to show and can no longer fit into my old jeans ;) no morning sickness any more, now I just feel like I've lost my mind. Sean is still taking it very well, and he's still very very excited. More news (and possibly more sonogram pics) after tomorrow!