Sunday, December 30, 2007

Yargh

No, it's not talk like a pirate day...that was a couple of months ago, I think. This is "Anna feels frustrated and needs to vent" day. Perhaps I'm just really moody from the pregnancy and that's why people seem more irritating than usual. Or perhaps certain people are just extremely annoying and I am justified in feeling an urge to kick them down the staircase. Now, I'm not out to deface any particular person on the internet, hence his name and how I know him are not going to be posted. Neither am I going to go into detail about what exactly it is he does/has done that is bothering me as it is possible (however unlikely) that either he or someone who would recognize him might read this. My intent is not to cause offense or to harm anyone in any way, I just need to let out some hot air before I take my anger out on someone I'd really regret hurting, namely Sean.

I guess I'm not really angry so much as frustrated with the way things are going. I've got a lot on my mind lately and feel very stressed out. I've been nauseous the last few days and have been having wilder mood swings than normal. There's still a lot of stuff I need to get done before the baby gets here and I barely have the energy to think about doing it except for when I get a sudden burst of energy and start doing something weird like baking. I keep trying to remind myself I need to make a few casseroles and freeze them so Sean won't have to do a lot of work cooking while I recover, and I still need to sew the vinyl cover for the crib mattress.

That being said, I hope anyone who has had a baby before understands that I'm ready to rip my hair out right now even though I've been greatly blessed to not have any complications. I am also feeling very guilty that so many other women have such horrible problems and complications with their pregnancy and here I am whining about people that stress me out. I have a cousin who's expecting twins after a miscarriage and various other problems, I have a friend who is expecting a boy and she suffers from a kidney condition that makes her pregnancy extremely high risk. And here I am whining that I don't like certain people.

I know that it's normal for any pregnant woman to experience a variety of emotional changes, especially as she gets close to her due date, so perhaps that's why I'm being so weird...I don't know. But I do know that however insignificant my frustrations are in the wider picture, they're obviously real otherwise I wouldn't really be frustrated, would I?

So this person who I am particularly frustrated at is someone who irritates me all the time anyway so it's not like this is anything new. He has shown in his past actions and words that he does not really respect me and as he is an elder to me (as opposed to my peer) I often find it hard to stand up to him. Unfortunately, I can't completely cut this person out of my life, either. I think part of my frustration is that I am afraid this person is going to insist on being a major figure in my son's life starting from birth (he has "jokingly" stated that he's ready to see "his" baby and that I should have given birth already), and is planning on being present at the hospital. At least I can give instructions to the nurse at the hospital that I don't want certain visitors and can avoid a confrontation that way but I am dreading coming home afterwards.

I will very much appreciate help (especially from other women) after the baby's born, but I am not looking forward to a tiny apartment full of guests which is what I'm afraid is going to happen. Maybe I'm suffering from overprotective mother bear syndrome or it's just my introverted nature. I can just picture people wanting to come over and hold the baby (I can especially picture the irritating person doing this) and not giving me time to spend with him and me finally going insane and threatening people with sword in hand to leave me and my baby alone. I know part of this might stem from my control issues but still...I'm allowed to want to protect my little one when he's so vulnerable, right?

I also don't want anyone to spend the night here (not even my much beloved mother-in-law who I'd love to have come help out with the baby). As much as I can understand the good intentions of someone to stay the night to take care of George and give me rest, we just don't have room. Yes, our new sectional has a pull-out bed but there's already going to be a new person living with us and I don't like the idea of our living room being turned into a guest room. Besides, where is our baby-phobic cat going to go those first few nights until she gets used to him?

I hope this doesn't come across as selfish or extremely self-centered, and I hope I was vague enough about the irritating person so that Sean and I are really the only people who know who it is. Again, this post is not out to deface anyone, I only am trying to safely vent my emotions. Besides, I'm sure everyone knows someone who irritates them to the point of near insanity....

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